You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
