Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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