Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
