I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
