I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
