I'm laying in your front yard are you home
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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