Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Randomize
