Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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