You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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