A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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