The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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