Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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