where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
