Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
