I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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