Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
