im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
