that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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