I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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