What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
