and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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