The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
