I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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