Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
