Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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