I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
