I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
