I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
