I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
