I can text with my tongue
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
