she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
