Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
