i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
