Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
