Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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