I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
