There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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