I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
