I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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