mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
