I think my fart just growled at me.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
