At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
