Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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