Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Randomize
