I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
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