he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Everclear isn't food dammit
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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