thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
