I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
