I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
