ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
